Mourning

I used to cry during movies or shows about someone dieing. I don't mean just a tear drop, but full on crying as if I personally knew the person or even animal. That was before I had any real grief in my life.

When Princess Dianna died I wept as if my own family had died. My grandfather had recently died and I guess some of my grief came from that. I watched her funeral as millions of others did. I wept when I saw her children walk behind her coffin. I was heartbroken for them. I don't why I felt so much emotion for a woman I didn't even know. I still don't.

Then my dad died in 1998. It devastated me. A piece of me literally died the day my dad died. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't grieve for my dad. Some days, like today, I cry for him. I don't cry every day for my dad, but I sure as hell miss him every day.


As I watched Ryan O'neal talk about his beloved Farrah, I couldn't help but be reminded of Honey Bear's dad when his wife died. I remember when he asked to see her and the funeral director tried to dissuade him. He would not take no for an answer. I can still hear his sobs. He looked at her and held her, crying. He gave her one last kiss and just kept telling her he loved her. I totally get that grief now. I was 19 when that happened and I'll be honest, I thought it a little morbid for him to kiss her. But now I know. It wasn't morbid at all. It was grief.

I was so shocked and sad to learn of Michael Jackson's death too. Again, I know nothing of him but the joy his music gave me. How his songs coincided with my memories of high school and my first years of marriage. His music was a soundtrack to my young adulthood.

So I have wept a lot today. I wept for me and the grief I carry and I wept for all that have felt that grief. It is soul changing.